Suan's Little Hideaway

On Love

Suan — Fri, 27 Jan 2012 14:13:19 +0000

I have been reading lots of 亦舒’s novels, she’s one of my favourite authors. Or rather I love the women characters in her books, they are always cool and beautiful with the classic looks and they all like to wear chino and white shirts. Characters wise they are strong, capable and sometimes career women. Secretly I want to be like that. Like any other romance novels, men and women fall deeply in love with each other. Those kind of love that suffocate you and with no reservation. In many different stories, one constant thing between different characters is that one person can only love once, the others are just being together for other reasons like having a partner to rely on emotionally or physically etc.

Really? Each person will only love once? The kind of love that makes you dizzy, dried mouth, can’t breath, in conclusion, love is a decease – it makes you sick. Love sick. I don’t know, perhaps it’s true. I always thought people learn and people become smarter. First love is always sweet and you are all out, but when it goes sour, a part of your heart dies and you learn to be more reserved because you don’t want to get hurt anymore. Not necessary not able to love. You just become wiser. I believe love exists in many forms and it is necessary to love in different ways. Because different partner brings out different sides of you.

Most important of all, you have to love yourself.

Snippets

Suan — Fri, 27 Jan 2012 06:46:44 +0000

It’s strange how someone else’s story can give me sleepless night. My mind cannot be at ease after hearing what happened. I have always been positive in this matter but I think it is just stupid to hang on. If hanging on is the decision, at least some actions have to be taken, problems need to be addressed and solved. I think it is really risky to walk away now.

Life seem to be getting back on track. The renovation, trip, mum, Pickles and life in general! I have got a job to do so I don’t feel so helpless and lost. Things are looking up once again. New year’s been good, the usual and the cousins got together for a scrumptious meal. Though we are still mourning but we did carry on in a simpler way.

Met up with most friends and those were enjoyable sessions indeed.

Lost some, gain some. No pain no gain.

2011 wrapped up and hello 2012!

Suan — Tue, 03 Jan 2012 03:49:13 +0000

Phew what a year it has been and we are now in 2012!!! I can hardly believe it!

So so much had happened in 2011 with so many changes!

The biggest heartache has to be passing of dad. It wasn’t entirely surprising but I was hoping he can come home and we will still have a complete family. I have learnt so much from this as well. From making decisions at the hospital and later on for the funeral to coping with more responsibilities. There are more changes to be made follow this. I am still taking a step at a time and take on task by task.

I have made one of the biggest decisions as well when I went to Wellington to continue with my PhD by leaving my job. Well sort of since I am on study leave. It has been a relaxing year back to school and had time to think things over. At the same time, there were lots of realisations as well weighing the important things in life and reprioritising them. Thinking back I realised it was a daunting decision and I don’t know how I have made it. It was an experience going through the entire administrative process, dealing with supervisors, living a student life in a student apartment. It was fun but my heart is definitely more settled back home. It makes me rethink the entire thing again. But I have been told that I must finish what I have started which I agree with. I live healthier lifestyle there for sure, walked a lot and even did some jungle tramping. Lost some weights so that’s another plus point.

It has been great for traveling though! We have been to Melbourne, South Island and around. I have also made a trip back here in June and then Pangkor. What I know is that we do desperately need another holiday.

There are a couple of things that I set out to do but didn’t achieve. One being to be able to stand on my head. However I did attended Pilates and yoga classes for 3 months and I think that was good. Another is I still did not learn how to make a cuppa which I’m going to make sure I will do when I return next.

To sum up, I think 2011 has been a realisation year be it friendship, sibling, parents, love, it’s as though i’m seeing the world for the first time and reevaluating the surroundings all over again. As a result, my way of life, my outlook of life and my beliefs changed as well and still changing. I don’t know what I have became or what I will become, what I’m going to have or not have. The year ahead is an unknown for me. It’s strange that I have always wanted a more “exciting” life and not so “routine”. Now that finally life seem a little mysterious and unknown and I wish I have stability. I guess I am only human.

In this new year, I only hope that God will continue to give me strength to deal with challenges in life, wisdom to know what to do and guidance because I need it all the time. Lastly, I pray for happinesses.

Last day

Suan — Sat, 31 Dec 2011 15:34:25 +0000

Happy Birthday to me and Happy new year everyone!

Perspective

Suan — Fri, 30 Dec 2011 03:28:18 +0000

You feel and sound so different now, and I cannot imagine how we have spent those months together. It seem so far and alien to me those days. It is true what people say about being in a different environment and having a different perspectives. I don’t think it is you who changed, I think it is me.

朋友不是这样当的。

Exactly A Month Ago

Suan — Thu, 29 Dec 2011 14:08:05 +0000

It was exactly today a month ago dad left us. My birthday is coming up in a couple of days and I will be having my first birthday without a father. I feel slightly depressed at the thought of it. I will never have him back. This world will never have him back. It is a morbid thought. I am not devastated that he’s gone, I think he has lived a relatively good life except the last couple of years, his quality of life has dropped significantly. I feel that he was ready to go and I was ready to let him as well. I will never forget how he looked on the dead bed. We are glad that he passed on in his sleep, peacefully.

I miss you, rest in peace, pa.

Updates

Suan — Sun, 25 Dec 2011 14:43:12 +0000

I think the bad season is over and good things are going to start pouring in! First good news is that my paper got accepted into the conference that I was aiming for! So yes I’m going to Lisbon! Don’t know how I’m going to get the fund, but I’m going to get it.

The house is still in a mess, there’s always something to do everyday. On the bright side, the house is coming into shape. We finally got the the rain shower and our dream tiles.

Next thing I need to do is to pick up my lazy bum and start to move things around, I need to be more productive but this time of the year is always difficult to do that.

Yes, good things are coming.

Suan — Fri, 09 Dec 2011 12:21:10 +0000

I don’t think I have ever feel so disappointed with myself and facing with so many rejections and unhappy occasions. People who know me know that I’m a happy go lucky kinda gal and I usually shrug and move on with my life. God has been kind to me all this while and I have never really been thrown in such deep end. Well not until now. There are almost no events to be happy about and just more bad news, one after another.

None of my papers got accepted. None of my scholarships applications got accepted. I am jobless, well kinda. With dad passing and mum being alone, I don’t know what my next step is. Money is another issue. I feel bad taking money from you given that you have your problems too. Most of the time I am able to tell myself to stay calm, things will get better eventually. This time I really feel challenged. I have been sleeping so much. When I sleep, I don’t have to deal with the world, even if it is for a short moment.

Dear God, please give me strength to move on and provide me with guidance.

Just what is happening?!

Suan — Fri, 09 Dec 2011 00:25:50 +0000

I have run through the scene a thousand times in my head; maybe subconsciously I was preparing myself for this day. I thought I would be hysterical, I thought I would breakdown and I wished this day will never come.

But it happened.

Pa had left us 1.5 weeks. Strangely, it feels like ages to me. I have been telling friends that I am coping rather well which I am. I feel as though I am being boxed in, everything else is just happening outside the box that is protecting me. For the record, I didn’t go hysterical nor breakdown. I was rather composed and doing all the things that needed to be done. I was not afraid of going near and holding his hand while he slipped away. I didn’t even cry that much. I was ready to let him go, I just don’t want to see him suffer.

Good day!

Suan — Thu, 10 Nov 2011 22:51:50 +0000

It’s such a sunny day today at Wellington! The sun is shining and you can see smiles on people faces! Sun really has that effect on people. And you can see how miserable people are when the sky is gloomy.

I’m taking the day off since I’m leaving the country tomorrow! I had a nice breakfast and went shopping a bit and finally bought the slave for my MacBook Pro. Oh well they are having a 20% discount so can’t say no to that. Plus I have been looking forever anyway!

Didn’t get to buy dad anything though.

EXCITED!